Hello, This is the beginning of what I will become. It all starts here. I don’t know why this is where I ended up or how are you even ended up here to be honest. I’ve had no direction since 2012. Lack of direction has a very negative impact on one’s life. Believe it or not I think I crave structure, discipline, routine, And most of all without a doubt responsibility. Staples of mine the last 10 years have been the two comments,”if no one cares where you’re at on Thursday night at 2:30 in the morning then you’re in pretty bad shape” and “every day I exist is the worst day of my life that I’ve lived to this point”. Of course I say both of these things would they joking manner hint of sarcasm I’m not really one to Waller and loathe and self-pity and focus on the negative I know the dangers in this. I never been a good victim. It’s the way I was raised I have to blame my parents and my grandparents for teaching me what they taught me when I saw it and justice growing up I was told to promptly stump it out whether it was an adult doing something strange or another some kid getting bullied or even someone being cruel to a pet. I pretty much had free rein and the freedom to do whatever I thought was right which meant that they trusted my judgment. It’s also kind of made me troublemaker in a way because the same rules didn’t apply to me that applied to other people I didn’t question myself when I did something I thought was just or inevitable. So now that I’m the victim and I have been for 10 years I don’t know how to do it I don’t know how to react I don’t know where to go from here I’ve never had anything go against me quite like this in my life I guarantee you I haven’t and I’m left with all these broken dreams and broken thoughts and pieces of my soul and I have no glue and not even sure if I go to the pieces if I did have some glue I’m trying to become one eighth of the man I was on October 8th 2012 because that man was the polar opposite of this man. I don’t know what blogs are supposed to be about I don’t even know what I’m supposed to write or if I’m supposed to write about something personal or how what kind of structure or who my target audience is or anything to be honest with you but I feel that three telling my story that nothing worse can come out of it and if so then bring it on you know but there’s a chance I can find something here I don’t know what I’ve always enjoyed writing I was never particularly a good student I have a lot of family troubles at home chaos that’s where I was comfortable growing up. It was extremely difficult not to try to seek out the chaos in my adult life because that’s what I was used to but I’m very self-aware and I monitor myself which is so crazy how I got to where I’m at and you think I just put on a blindfold and put the pedal in the middle and let my hands off the wheel That’s not what happened that’s not how I got here I guess I’ll write some more tomorrow and continue to do this everyday until I’m done no matter how long it takes or embarrassing it is. The emptiness in pain that I feel but I’m just alive and existing is very intense I can feel cortisol getting released into my system I can feel my heart elongating my inner pit of my soul always feels like I’m going down a roller coaster hill My level of shame maxed out self worth is a zero. When one loses personal momentum is very difficult to get it back and I crashed hard blindsided by what I thought was the best thing I had going for me The only thing I had going for me at times The one thing I knew for a fact more than religion more than any formula I knew that our love was going to last after 16 years you could blame me. I never had faith before that and I haven’t had it since I’ll be back tomorrow.
Anti-Victim 